If you’d like a peek behind the curtain at how things operate at Ave Noctum Towers, allow me to give you gentle reader a rare glimpse behind the curtain of how the sausage is made, rather than the sausage itself. This is as clumsy a metaphor as it gets, but stay with me, all will become clear shortly (it probably won’t). Every week, the horned behemoth, he of a thousand lies, the worshipful master of all things blackened and the purveyor of obfuscation, (our esteemed editor), sends out a list to his underlings with that week’s new release morsels to cast our collective eye over. Within said list, which is full of the good, the bad and the unknown, it’s within the tranche of the unknown, where sometimes the meatiest treats lay. Obviously, there is somewhat of a thrill to go and listen to something you know nothing about, blind as it were, with just the lies from the accompanying PR to keep you company. BUT regarding picking said album, there is always a FFO (for fans of) acting as a guide as to what might fit in your wheelhouse. For example, I would have to avoid anything say, living in the Black Metal world, as my knowledge and frame of reference is cursory at best and non-existent at worst. So, to do justice to said albums and bands being reviewed, I will generally pick something that I know something about in terms of its musicality and genre housing. Problem with this is, lies, dammed lies and statistics. But rather than quote twice serving prime minsters of the 1890’s, onto my choice this week which takes the form of West Yorkshire’s Knim and their debut self-released album ‘When A Star Falls’.

Described by the aforementioned PR bullshit as treading similar paths to both Mastodon and Baroness (bands I am very familiar with) I managed to download the album and place it into my metaphorical tape deck, to be co confronted by a collection of songs, that are as bland as they are poorly played and share about as much in common with Mastodon and Baroness, as I do with The Sentinelese tribe of North Sentinel..(look them up). Knim, peddle softly played rock that is as inoffensive as it’s it is vanilla. It neither sets my pulse racing nut nor does it raise my heckles. Upon finishing my second listen through these five songs, I didn’t even notice that the album had finished as I sat like a stoned gibbon listening to silence through my headphones, which should be enough to tell you how uninspiring this collection of songs is. It’s like Tool or a slightly heavier Rush without the song writing nuances and/or talent. Its progressive in the sense that the band obviously have highfalutin ideas that exist well beyond the band’s grasp.

It’s not all bad, the vocals, although slightly twee, have moments where the melodies on songs such as ‘When A Star Falls’, are genuinely good, but unfortunately for Knim, a truly terrible synthesized keyboard enters stage left and coats everything in glossy film of liquid crud, like an exploding portable toilet as the guitars go all G’n’R/November Rain but not in a good way. Aside from the vocals, I am struggling to find anything positive to say about this album. It’s all so trite and earnest, that it’s made me do a bit of sick in my mouth, and I am going out on a limb here to say that this was surely not what the band were seeking to achieve. Look, it’s not my fault, I didn’t write the songs, nor did I play them, that’s on the band. Its as clumsy, as it is derivative with ideas so far above their station it’s positively laughable. This may not be the worst thing I have ever listened to, but it’s certainly up there.

(3/10 Nick Griffiths)

https://www.facebook.com/KnimUK