Grim“Progressive” can mean many things in music. In this case it seems to mean a lot of styles. On the band’s myspace site, their music is categorised as Metal/Progressive/Thrash. Yep, I get that. Then I read the following on the band’s main site references to: “large dose of energy, emotional content and melody …. catchy power riffs … interesting lyrics”. I had to double check that I was reviewing the right album.

There are a lot of styles on “V – Column” but it’s always nice when the styles knit together and the music is played well. Even if I were to push the boundaries and declare that Grimlord were “experimental” or “avant-garde”, then I couldn’t find any evidence of creative genius. The predominant background style is a sort of thrash/punk. The energy is crusty rather than generous or expansive. The first and last tracks are punctuated by industrialised female vocals but the principal vocals are unpleasant and come from a man who either can’t sing or is failing to find his target.

The opener is the title track. It stops and starts, features an airy electro solo, more crusty instrumentals and some barking dogs to finish. They may gnarl but I looked on in indifference. This is followed by some uninspiring old school heavy metal which sounds like it was made in the 1980s. This, bizarrely, is the prelude to a Mexican style acoustic track. It is totally out of sync with the previous songs but it’s the best so far from the Poles. I expected more disharmonious vocals and old fashioned metal, and that’s what I got. The tuneless cacophony that is “Posthumous Coronation” could be compared to Metallica or Deep Purple on a good day, but even with a punkish engine room, it’s still horrible. Do I hear the Goons? What’s going on? That’s the start of “King is Dead”. It batters on crustily. There’s no life or energy, contrary to the claims, and it seems to be deliberate. “King is Dead” picks up a little as if out of contractual obligation but energy would be too much to ask for and it dies an appropriately uninspiring death to finish. They must be taking the mickey? What else to follow but a cacophonous metal ballad. The guy can’t help having a strong foreign accent but could this appeal to anyone?

“Dead Bodies don’t Swim” is a shocking acoustic song. This ghastly affair picks up a little with some swirling keyboards to go with the punchy guitar work and harsh vocals – can someone give this guy a throat sweet and some singing lessons, please? This was leaving me open-mouthed but for the wrong reasons. There’s just no edge. The attempt at imitating a blunt knife continues with “March Again”, another nondescript piece of metal, before racing off into “Superconscious”. There’s no continuity. That sums it up, really. The unmelodious journey goes on, punctuated only by the most pointless and amateurish chorus I’ve ever heard. “Widerstand 17” starts off in a sinister way. It cranks up and the punkish element, which is the one redeeming feature of this album, is evident. But there’s no power and no soul and the female intervention is without context, which describes this album as a whole.

I may be the only person in the world to not get “V – Column”. There is nothing of merit in this album at all, other than the odd guitar riff. It’s a relief that its 10 tracks average out at just over 3 minutes each. Something tells me that with such a lack of cohesion, life, sound quality or transparency, Grimlord are a cult band. They are so bad. Or is the joke on us, the listener? Neither the individual parts nor the whole is pleasant, even when expanding the thematic and musical boundaries of metal music. I just don’t know how anyone could possibly like this album.

(2 /10 Andrew Doherty)

http://www.grimlord.eu